So much has happened…Well me and “him” are good now. <3 Not like that, but we do talk sometimes and we’ve… Well, let’s just say i’m closer to him then I was before… But everything with him is good. I wish things were a little bit different but I guess things are just gonna have to be this way before things can be another way… I still love him…yeah, I love him. I can’t help it though… I went about 2 months and I was completely over it. I really was. I didn’t even think about him anymore and then one day this summer he decides to send me a little message on facebook asking me to text him and stuff so I did of course. He said he wanted to ask me a question and to text him so when I texted I asked him what he wanted to ask me and stuff. Well, he what he asked me didn’t even make sense? But anyway, then he asked me what I was doing that afternoon and I was like uhh hanging with my friends probably and stuff. Then I asked him what he was doing that afternoon and he said nothing and he was wondering if I wanted to hang out with him?? I was like HA you’re joking right? He said he was serious and that he wouldn’t back out on me like he did last time. He was being nice! I was like what the…ohmy… haha anyway, I was suppose to meet him at his work at 8 and as soon as it was 8:01 he texted me and said “Late”. haha what the heck again! But anyway, I was soo nervous it weren’t even funny and I was trying to act cool and like I did this kinda thing before and I sooo did NOT!

He buzzed his hair off and that’s the first thing I said to him. I commented on his hair being gone and he said some smartass comment back but I didn’t mind. I had fun with him and he told me a lot of stories that I really didn’t care anything about but I listened because he was telling me like he really wanted me to know. I wanted him to keep talking and talking because I loved it. He was talking to me like he actually thought I was…well like I was his friend or like he actually liked me or something. It was the best day of my life period exclamation mark, too. He can never know that though… He can never know how much that day meant to me. It might ruin how things are… He might think that I think we’re more than we actually are and stuff and I don’t really think that at allll. I would never want to mess things up. I also don’t want him to think i’m weird and obsessed with him because that’s not true either. I’m not obsessed with him. I just love him, gah, I love him. I wish things weren’t soo…I don’t know how to explain how things are and how I wish things actually were…

This has been a hard summer though… I lost 2 of my friends from school in a car accident. It was horrible without a doubt. They were brother and sister and they were on their way to Florida to go visit their family for a reunion or something and a tire blew and they didn’t have on seat belts… I hate it so much because their family is hurting so much and there’s nothing no one can do or say to make it better… And sometimes I don’t even believe it’s true…like, my mind won’t grasp it or something. I can’t get it wrapped around my mind that they’re actually gone… It’s been really hard for everybody… It’s been tuff.

I’ve also made a LOT of huge mistakes this summer and I hope that i’ve learned from! I don’t even want to talk about how much I wish I could change some things that have happened this summer… I wish I had a time machine or something. I wish I could go back and tell myself what I know now……Isn’t that a song or something?

School starts back in 3 weeks…I dread it. End of story. I dread it, it’s going to be a hard year, a really hard year. And I feel like everybody’s gonna be talking about me and saying stuff about me and I just don’t know if I can take it… I don’t want people thinking bad stuff about me… Gosh, I hope that things will be different then I think they will be. I really hope…

My best friend\cousin and I don’t talk to each other anymore. She doesn’t know exactly why or maybe she doesn’t ‘realize’. I don’t want to believe that she did something with ‘him’ but I don’t know? If she did that is REALLY low. Like seriously. She’s suppose to be my best friend and she’s my first cousin. I still love her but dang. I told her I wasn’t mad at her anymore…what more does she freakin’ want? A personal invitation? Geez. What the freak! But whatever…

I still love ‘him’, but i will not give into that. I’m not doing it. I refuse to fall back into all that crap again.

That’s not the only strange dream I’ve had lately. That’s just one. Gosh they’ve been really weird. I dream about people I hardly ever see. Sometimes I think I dream stuff that’s going to happen in the future. It’s so weird. I dreamed something one time and it was about my sister, and a few weeks later, it happened! It was so weird. I guess the song in Cinderella is true. “A dream is a wish your heart makes.” You shows what you want to happen. It shows the inside of your head.

You can also tell what’s inside somebody’s head by reading their diary or journal or whatever. You can read a book that someone writes and you can really tell what’s inside their head. It’s so weird how much you can find out about somebody by reading. You can even find something about somebody by reading their Blog Entries up here!

School is okay I guess. No different then usual. Just same ole same ole. I’m trying to bring some of my grades up though. They’re not the greatest in the world. That’s not good. But I’m going to bring them up so it’s okay. My mind gets pretty occupied while I’m at school. Yeah,I’m pretty much day dreaming most is not ALL the time. It’s hard to concentrate on that stuff when you’ve got lots of other things on your mind that you could be thinking about.

We’re on Thanksgiving break right now. Today is Thanksgiving by the way. I’m ready to go to my grandma’s. I’m starving! Today is the day where you can stuff your face & no one will comment. Today’s the day to be thankful. Well I better go. I just wanted to write something.

Happy Thanksgiving!

‘E’ thinks that he’s trying to help me get over him? I don’t think he is? He would NEVER in a MILLION years do that…? I just don’t understand…but whatever, you know? What’s the point in trying to think & worry about it all the time…& I CAN NOT believe his 4th cousin likes him!!! She is WACK or SOMETHING! I mean seriously! WHO THE HECK  LIKES THEIR OWN COUSIN!? What a weirdo! I think something’s wrong with her anyway…I no lie i really do think something’s wrong with her…

She cried the other day when she found out with ‘he’ had a new girlfriend. SHE CRIED! What a freakin’ weirdo!!! Gosh, & the worst part is that it made me mad!! Can you believe it? It made me so mad that she cried. It made me so mad when i found out that she liked him too. Ugh it still makes me mad… & she knows i like him & stuff & she says hey to ME when she sees me!! She doesn’t know that i know she likes him…HA she is so STUPID. & I try to be nice & pretend like I don’t know & stuff but sometimes I stare at her at lunch giving her the evil eye…hahaha yeah but she doesn’t see me or anything but I still do it… I hope no one notices…hahha. I still don’t like her though…but whatever.

And now i don’t just like him. I like ‘L’ too. But he has a girlfriend. Man, here we go again! It’s unfair dude. Every guy always has a girlfriend. Hot guys can’t stay single for too long, you know. Like J.E., for example, his girlfriend just broke up with him…yeah, let’s see how long that lasts. HA. Not too long. But also hot guys don’t always have girlfriends. They sometimes have fuck buddies. Yeah like ‘ HIM’. & his little fuck buddy. Yeah i don’t like her, AT ALL. Stupid whore. Ugh i could beat her face in. If i ever get a chance like i did the other day then i just MIGHT. Ha. Still, she was right there in the bathroom & i could’ve got her. Ha. But you know what? She’s not even worth it. Stupid little bitch. With her BIG forehead you could land a plane on.

I don’t know what to do about ‘J’ though. I mean i like him & we hung out at the fair tonight. & it was like we went out, but i don’t know? I mean, we’ve been friends since 6th grade & i don’t know if we should. It’d probably be weird. Yeah, i don’t know if that’s such a good idea. & plus he goes to a different school. Yeah, i don’t know…probably shouldn’t do that. Ugh everything is so complicated & aggravating! AH! ha.

Wow, I’ve just stopped and thought about it…A whole of year of school has just went by! Gosh, it went by fast. It seems like just yesterday that it was my first day as a freshman! I’m gonna miss being a freshman. What’s so special about being a sophomore? Nothing. :I don’t want the upcoming freshman to even come! I want them to stay in 8th grade & just let everybody stay in the grade they were in. But of course that’s not happening. That would cause the world to go CRAZY! Just something as little as that could make the world go crazy. But still, it would be SO cool to start the whole year over again…Especially 1st semester! I miss 1st semester.

‘He’ was in 2 of my classes. It was pretty great I will admit. I miss him. I’ll admit it any day of the week. I really do. I miss talking to him. I miss him messing on me. I miss him just standing there looking dumb. I miss having classes with him. It would be SO cool to have one class with him! Just one. I’m not gonna get my hopes up. Oh wait, I’ll probably get them up anyway and then I’ll be all sad when we don’t have any of the same classes. Gosh he makes me SO MAD!

I can’t believe the crap he does. I can’t believe he slept with the BIGGEST hoe in school. He gonna get some type of STD or something. Oh I hope not, please God don’t let him get an STD or have one! I have got to stop worrying about him! Stop thinking about him. It makes me happy for a second then I think about it and it makes me sad, and then it makes me mad. & it happens ALL the time! It’s getting so old! Oh my gosh. Next month will make a year that I’ve liked him. A year. I can’t believe that I remembered. Oh my gosh. I’ve got to stop this crap. NOW!

And I’ll say that I’ll stop liking him & crap and then I won’t! And that’s the thing that makes me the maddest!

I’m kinda ready to go back to school, not for the work or anything. But to see everybody, you know? I miss all my friends and stuff. Heck I even miss that retarded school. But I think what I miss the most is ‘him’. Yes, him. I miss him. I miss him picking on me and stuff. I miss people calling me my nickname. Even though it gets on my nerves when they do call me that. I miss it.

I hadn’t seen him all summer and every time I had tried to see him I didn’t. So the other day me, mama, L, and her mom all went to see a movie and ate after. Well L had never seen him before and she’d been dying to see the guy that I talk about so much, so we went to the store he worked at. I was humoring her cause I figured he wouldn’t be working. A part of me didn’t want him to be there. But another part of me was hoping he was, and it turns it that he WAS.

I almost had a litter of kittens when I saw his truck parked there. And of course I was torn between wanting to go in SO badly, and not wanting to go in and come back mad. But I HAD to go in and see him. I missed him. So me and L came up with some stuff we could buy and we went in.

We walked ALL around that store pretending we were actually looking for things to buy. I think we could win an award. SIKE! But still anyway. We walked around saying stuff like “hmm, did my mom say she needed milk?” and “I think your mom said she wanted some bread..” We walked around that whole place several times looking and glancing all around to see if he was there, but we didn’t see him anywhere. Some part of me was relieved but the other part of me was sad because I got my hopes up for nothing.

We finally got up to the front and all we had was bread after ALL that time we’d spent in there. So we decided to get some gum, but there were SO many gum flavors to choose from…and I couldn’t think straight because I was all shaky and nervous. We were still standing there looking at the gum when L looked up and saw him. “There he is!” He whispered. “Yeah, right.” I smirked. “No really it is.” I glanced behind her and saw this guy with blond hair. “That’s not him.” Then I saw ‘HIM’, my heart nearly jumped out of me! I turned around fast. “THAT IS HIM!” I whisper yelled excited. We freaked out for a second and then we remembered that we had to keep it cool cause we didn’t wanna look obvious.

We got in line and waited behind this lady that bought one of everything in the whole friggin’ store. I glanced around at the magazines, and then I saw him again. He was talking to the bag boy in our line and he said something and smiled that BEAUTIFUL smile of  his. I thought I was gonna pass out! Then he took a broom and a dust pan thing and went and swept the parking lot. Then I got a text from my mom saying that he was sweeping the parking lot ‘like I didn’t know!’ but anyway. After what I thought was FOREVER the lady in front of us finally got her groceries paid for.

After we paid and stuff we walked out the doors and there he was again! We walked through the parking lot and I looked at him. Then he looked up at me, and for a second I thought he might say something but he didn’t. Of course. Typical. UGH! Made me SO mad! I wanted to throw the bread at him! I would’ve to if it had been in my hand!! UGH! We got in the car and ALL the way home ALL I talked about was how much he had made me MAD! I was steaming!

When we dropped L & her mom off at their house I just sat there thinking about all the crap he does and how mad he makes me. I thought about how I had seen him the other day with ‘The biggest HOE in school’, leave together. Oh you know what they did after school, no doubt. It still makes me mad when I think about it. What a horrible person he is. And I found out that he cheated on his girlfriend that day that ‘the hoe’ went home with him. I can’t believe it. I actually thought that deep down, deep deep down, that maybe, just maybe, that there might be a little good in him. but I was wrong…very very wrong.

I have to stop talking about him. He makes me sad. Even when he doesn’t do anything. It’s when he does nothing that makes me the saddest. He makes my heart ache. I feel alone sometimes when I think about him. He makes me sick in many different ways. And the WORST part about it is that he doesn’t care. He probably hasn’t even thought twice about me. A part of me hopes that he has, but somehow I just know that he hasn’t. Gosh, I so much wish that he liked me like I like him. Maybe if he would just like me, then maybe I could just move on and get over him already! In 2 days it will make 11 months that I’ve like him. 11 months wasted on that funny, cute, cruel, horrible boy.

I don’t know about this whole ‘him’ situation anymore? I mean do I like him or not? Or do I just want him because I can’t have him? Wednesday when everybody was walking to the parking lot and stuff I saw him walking with the biggest hoe I’ve ever met. That made me sooo mad! And it shouldn’t have. It’s none of my business…but still, you know? He doesn’t care! I wish I could be like that. Well not a hoe but still I wish I could be confident like him. I still feel sorry for him though. He must not be as confident as he seems. I mean I don’t know what’s in his heart? I wish I did, but I don’t. And I don’t want him to be hurt or upset. I want him to be happy. But I still want him! I know it’s wrong to be like that but I mean what am I suppose to do? This summer I’m really gonna try really hard to get over him. I really am.

What I’ve learned is that things are not what they seem. You never know why somebody acts the way they do. So you shouldn’t judge people by just looking at them. You should get to know they before you judge them. Today when I was eating at Andys I noticed a few elder people eating alone and it made me so sad. Just to think that they are all alone eating like that. I mean they might have some people to talk to sometimes but I started to think about the people in nursing homes and stuff and I just think it’s so sad. You’re all alone in there. Some of their friends have died and family. Some of them don’t have anybody left at all. I wonder if some of them, when they die, die of loneliness. Oh gosh, that makes me so sad I could cry..

He does think he is hot shit. Well I’m just here to tell you that he isn’t. And somebody needs to tell him that he’s not as hot shit as he thinks he is. Gah. I could freakin’ smack him SO hard. He doesn’t have to say anything for me and everybody else to know that he thinks he is the shit, and that his don’t stink or something. I just wanna beat the hell outta him one time and I would feel so much better..

Ugh, what am I saying? I wouldn’t feel better. I’d feel even worse. He hasn’t even done anything to me to make me hate him. Well, I mean sure he picks on me sometimes but he’s just joking around. But he doesn’t do anything other then that…so why do I hate him?? It’s so stupid of me to hate him. I feel bad for him. It must suck to be him. And I’m not joking. It must suck to be him. He has a reputation to keep up and he has to try to impress his older brother who is supposedly “the man” when it comes to getting some. But whatever. But I tell you it has to suck. Guys that act like him always have something deep down inside that they’re hiding about themselves. It’s just sad..

Sometimes I really think I love him. I really do, and other times (like today) I HATE him. I just don’t understand?! It doesn’t make sense! It sucks to be a teenager! Going through all these changes. Your emotions and stuff keep getting all mixed up and you’re just confused all the TIME! It just gets freakin’ old pretty fast.. GOSH!